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| LETTERS TO KARA |
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Who is Kara?
Kara is my journal of 14 years, named after the heroine of Scott O' Dell's book, the Island of the Blue Dolphins. In 1998, parts of my journal were published in my first book, Kara: Letters and Stories. Four years ago, Kara, which also means face in Filipino was published online here.The journal, like my life, is undergoing change. This is only a continuum. |
| Just Yesterday |
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| Long Long Ago |
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| Inspiration |
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| Desperation |
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| Kindred Spirits |
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| Gratitude |
Blogspot Template
Text and photos by Shelley Jo Rojas Saracin, unless otherwise specified.
The reader may lift poems, essays, or quotes (in part on whole) from this journal for personal use,
provided that he or she give due credit to the author whenever and wherever said text may be used. |
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| 26 April 2007 |
| In my sky at twilight... |
In my sky at twilight you are like a cloud
and your form and colour are the way I love them.
You are mine, mine, woman with sweet lips
and in your life my infinite dreams live.
The lamp of my soul dyes your feet,
the sour wine is sweeter on your lips,
oh reaper of my evening song,
how solitary dreams believe you to be mine!
You are mine, mine, I go shouting it to the afternoon's
wind, and the wind hauls on my widowed voice.
Huntress of the depth of my eyes, your plunder
stills your nocturnal regard as though it were water.
You are taken in the net of my music, my love,
and my nets of music are wide as the sky.
My soul is born on the shore of your eyes of mourning.
In your eyes of mourning the land of dreams begin.
(Shing: wishing...just wishing...)
Labels: Neruda |
posted by shing @ 10:57 AM  |
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| 25 April 2007 |
| Distant Conversation |
Saturday, April 14, 2007
10:01 PM
I try to replay
The conversations we had
Do you remember?
What were the things we talked about?
What made me see you in a
Light
That covered your face
With the glow of my pink
blushes?
I wonder now
Because
Our conversations seem
So
Hazy
Gray
Distant
Even unreal
Sometimes
Silver
I truly cannot
Remember
What it is that
Made me
Love you
For all that you are.Labels: little prince, love, poems |
| posted by shing @ 2:15 PM |
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| 19 April 2007 |
| STOP |
Dear Kara,
Sadly, Shing has been given no other choice but to defer enrolment to another semester.
The reasons, I choose to keep to myself for the time being. Suffice it to know that I would have done ANYTHING, anything at all to pursue my studies. In this situation, things look as if they are not under my control.
That's just how it looks...for now.
Well at least, even if i'm not officially enrolled, I have my UP email address back...I miss that email address...it's been too long...Labels: UP |
| posted by shing @ 5:02 PM |
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| 16 April 2007 |
| Nervous and Afraid |
Dear Kara,
I'll tell you a secret: I am nervous and I am afraid.
I have not felt this kind of knotting in my stomach for a long time now, maybe because I have not been a real University student since 2002.
On my way to my first class today, I felt nervous…but not quite. Do you know what I mean, Kara? It sort of felt like…being self-conscious hat I was back in UP, that I could mess up, that there was actually a chance that I could not meet my grade requirements, yet somehow not caring what others think, because, hey, I'm serious about getting this graduate degree, and this is just the beginning.
And the beginning it was.
Before I even entered my classroom, I ran into this PhD enrollee who quoted my additional 15 undergraduate English units (on top of the 30 graduate units) as "suicidal", maybe because I was also trying to juggle a full-time job, and uh, actually, a life.
Another peril that I encountered today was the never-ending bureaucracy in UP. I went to the Infirmary yet again, and still I encountered another roadblock. Thankfully though, I looked frustrated enough and tired enough to elicit help from the doctor who was going to examine me. She asked one of the nurses to lead me through the process of getting a medical certificate. So there, I'll be able to get that, the last of my scholastic requirements, in the next three days (after I pay my tuition).
And still I’m nervous. Nervous because I'm a grad student without an English background in the midst of all these Language Majors, a lone soldier amongst cliques and groups…the groups I was so used to in my undergraduate years.
As I listened to the discussion earlier, it felt good to be back in school, and the discussions and the talk on language somehow reminded me of why GE courses in UP were such enjoyable, yet backbreaking experiences.
Tomorrow is another day.
Anybody with a little dose of encouragement out there? Please?Labels: UP |
| posted by shing @ 8:34 PM |
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| 14 April 2007 |
| A Little Help from our Friends |
Dear Kara,
From the time I began pounding the UP pavement at 10am yesterday, until I had stepped off the sidewalk and onto the jeepney that would take me away from the UP Campus at 5:20pm, I was constantly asking myself, "Why am I putting myself through this?"
Yes, Enrolment in UP Diliman, whether as an undergraduate or a graduate student, hasn’t changed much. It still is a mighty exhausting challenge.
I had to walk (or occasionally ride the IKOT/TOKI jeepneys to five different buildings: CAL (my new college, where I was going to get my admission letter), AIT (my undergraduate college, where I had to get my True copy of Grades for submission to the registrar, the Office of the University Registrar (where I was to get my official admission slip), NCTS (so I could re-activate my up webmail for computer registration), EPS (where I had to have my CRS pin fixed after I discovered that it would not work in my CAL registration, and (whew!!!) UP Infirmary (where I was trying to get a check-up schedule for my medical certificate--not for enrolment but for additional application papers). Mind you, I'm not yet officially enrolled, as I still need to pay for my tuition at the PNB Building (Cashier's Office). I had to go back and forth to these buildings (CAL and NCTS) at least two times, and even in my own building, I had to go back and forth to my adviser and to the Graduate Studies Office at least three times.
Now sit back and imagine my exhaustion. Imagine how, in the midst of the sweltering April sun, I walked in and around the sprawling hectares of the Diliman campus, smiled faintly at the queer happenings and quirky conversation among tambay students and non-student transients, and asked myself "Why am I putting myself through this???"
My answer always came clear: "Because this is what I want; this is important to me." I always kept myself going with the thought that I had been dreaming of finally enrolling myself in graduate school since…well, since forever. Each wave of sweat that trickled down my nose, I hastily wiped away, thinking that "This will all be worth it in two or so years. " Everything will eventually fall into place.
Of course, I kept my spirits up by constantly sending out text message UPdates to those I hold dear, people whom I believe were silently (and sometimes, even loudly) cheering me on as I tread the marathon of Graduate School Education.
Being back in UP as a student has re-awakened thoughts I had almost forgotten. I remembered that in UP, the System hardly helps you: no directions, no assistance more than what is required, no explanations. You read everything for yourself, understand the procedure, then proceed as you had understood. Or you outright ask.
Then I also remembered that in UP, its your fellow students that help you out in your hot and weary plight for an education: the guy at the TOKI waiting shed who informed me that the OUR had actually already moved to another building (funny how the officer at the Graduate Studies Department had so conveniently left out this information, was it because I didn't ask?), the three girls inside the TOKI jeep who volunteered to walk me, an "Ate", in the direction of the new OUR, Sigh who provided a cool, safe haven at her IC dorm after I called her and informed her that I was in the vicinity, Mark (the guy who I took the MA English Grad Exam with) who suggested a petiks subject to take for summer, the Student Assistant who allowed me to enlist in the EPS PC although it was not for enlistment purposes, my Adviser who so willingly guided me even through the next semester's subjects, and even Mary Grace and her PhD, who was the one who first propelled me into enrolling this year.
Yes, in UP, the students help each other out, although sometimes, we like to pretend that we don't. We like to pretend that we all achieved our degrees and diplomas with just sheer, determined studying and burying ourselves in books and classes. In truth, we help each other out. We do this because we are all well-aware that in UP, tackling the System is in itself a challenge. To survive, we all need "a little help from our friends."Labels: UP |
| posted by shing @ 8:21 AM |
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| 12 April 2007 |
| Something Important |
"Nothing that important is ever that easy." -Daniel T. Saracin, my Daddy
I remember saying this exact same line to someone else not so long ago. We were discussing our relationship, and well, in the crucible of distance and other obstacles, I realized that I had it in me to say such profound musings on LIFE. Haha.
Today, my Daddy reassured me of this, as I steamed and stewed at the incapacity of the administrative staff of my Alma Mater to actually assist me in some paperwork for grad school.
I had everything lined up, my papers were all intact and ready to be mailed after almost a month of preparation, save for one: my UP admission slip. I was so near and yet so far from the finish line, only because the staff I was talking with refused to budge in order to assist me. I had tried everything over the phone, and our conversation was becoming quite a Catch 22.
I wanted to cry. I couldn't; so I stewed and took a couple of deep breaths every minute, surrendering, for the moment.
I talked (mostly whined) to Hopie and Kuya Noel, and then I just sat and stared at my computer, frustrated, reliving the perils of my on and off love-hate relationship with my Alma Mater and their system only a few years ago.
But then I realized I knew myself too well.
The reason I was frustrated was because after all the cards, advice, and open doors came in for my Grad School enrolment, I had worked so hard to get my documents, and, control freak planner that I am, I was irked that something I worked so hard for would just, eventually, go down the drain.
That unhelpful, unrelenting, unbending UP Grad Office staff served to remind me that this obstacle was not a job I was fit to handle. The planning was indeed the work of someone else…it was the Work of the Lord.
I remembered, rather sheepishly, that "If it is the Lord's will, nothing can stop it from happening. If it is not His will, then no amount of pleading, planning, and charming persuasion on my end will ever make things fall into place.
That unrelenting staff served also to remind me, that yes, going back to school, going back to UP, and hopefully, securing a scholarship is something dear and important to me. I want it B-A-D. And like the advice Daddy shared with me, something that important doesn't come that easy. I had already passed many open doors. So far, this has been the only stumbling block. I wish to be able to work on it enough to say that this moment of my life IS important to me, because In fact, it didn't come THAT easy.
Tomorrow, I hit the UP pavement…once again.Labels: UP |
| posted by shing @ 12:03 AM |
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| 11 April 2007 |
| Like Riding a Bike |
What happens when you're no longer in pain?
Wounds heal, scars may even fade...but every so often, a memory of that bumpy first ride crosses your heart, you are ten years old again, and the wounds that scarred your first bike ride haunt you...even if this time, you know you can balance and ride the bicycle perfectly well... :')Labels: musings |
| posted by shing @ 7:07 AM |
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| 10 April 2007 |
| Gone to his King |
"And with my hands lifted high, as the world wonders why, I'll just tell them I"m loving my
King!"--excerpt from a song, personalized.
Dear Kara,
Everytime a death occurs, we are reminded of how fleeting life is. We ride the van every morning, oblivious to the fact that in an instant, our flesh can easily be torn or ruptured, our lives can easily be crushed by one fatal mistake.
We do not know when or when our lived will be likened to "dust in the wind." In our deaths, we can only hope that the things we put our hearts on during our lifetime will be things that will last long after we have gone, things that are eternal in nature: relationships, the fruit of our ministry, and the assurance that we belong with the Father in His Kingdom.
Kuya Orly's death came as a shock to many, I believe. He had no illness, and he and his family were simply enjoying a 30-minute swin during the Holy-Week holidays. Kuya Orly was a prolific, bubbly, and profound lawyer, and many would agree that he still had a whole lot of life ahead of him. His death could be termed a tragic accident, a freak event, an untimely demise. But none of those terms would
justly encompass Kuya Orly's death. We could all try to dissect and unravel the mysteries of Kuya Orly's death, but in the end, we all understood that his time had come. He had been called back home by his Maker whom he served well.
Although I know him only through a handful of meetings and stories from my dad and mom, his life after death jangled a lot of my thoughts. Yes, his life after his death lives on in the stories that his family and friends told in his memorial service last night. His ministry lives on in the people he had helped, those who so bravely fought back their tears as they spoke of him, those who choose to continue the dreams he has chared with them in his lifetime.
It was a solemn yet joyous moment, because all who attended knew that Kuya Orly had gone to be with his Maker. As he lay there still in his coffin, he was smiling.
I can only hope that when my time comes, I too will lie still with a smile.
(Kuya Orly is the one wearing a necktie. He was our Speaker for IVPM Makati's "What Matters Most" Large Group Fellowship in 2006. With him are the Core Members.)
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| posted by shing @ 8:34 AM |
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| 05 April 2007 |
| Cleansing |
Cleansing
Dear Kara,
It's my third morning to do the Seneca Indian Cleansing Fast. I do this internal-organ cleansing fast at least once every year, and usually on the days when I have bulk vacations, like on Holy Week. It is not a spiritual fasting, hence, I find that I am able to write about it and convey the thoughts and experiences one goes through during a fast.
I find that the first day is always easy. In the Seneca Cleansing Fast, your colon gets bulked up by fruit, fruit enzymes, and fruit juices on the first day in order to expel toxins that have built up. It is this day that I always like; my spirits are up, I am looking forward to the prospect of eating a variety of fruits, and the thought that after three more days, my belly will be flatter
and my entire internal system so much cleaner. I envision myself with brighter eyes, clearer skin, and a host of other results from my detoxification.
The second day is the worst! I have to feast on herbal teas and nothing else. I love drinking green tea, ginger tea, lemon tea, chamomile tea, and a host of other herbal teas, but really, after a day without carbs and meat, the prospect of a day with only hot or cold tea to ingest is pretty daunting. By evening of the 2nd day, i find myself still able to exercise and move around
but my will has diminished and I am munching on a few cooked veggies, a step early for my third day.
Today is my third day. As suggested by the fasting experts, I should not shun away from light exercise as this will aid my body in metabolizing and expelling toxins in my liver and kidneys. My first two days found me jogging my usual route around the village (maybe 2km or so) but today, I found that I am woozy enough to forego my usual jog. So I just walked around the street and bought myself a bunch of veggies for lunch and dinner tonight.
My will, and my body, however, have both been diminishing. All the bread, butter, snacks, and boxes of cake mix I see seem to be calling out to me. The sangria in the freezer looks like it needs some help with a little OJ and ice to make a cool summer drink. Dad with his wheat pan-de-sal (a family favourite) seems evil in his efforts to chew on his personal breakfast fare. Why is everybody such a temptation!!!!
Everytime I do this cleansing fast, the fact that I am not doing it for spiritual reasons does not lessen the thoughts on spiritual fasting. I always am reminded of how, after forty days and nights in the wilderness, Jesus, in his fully human form, would have had to contend with His body and His will in order to NOT turn stones into bread. Whew! After the third day, I would have!!! My head is so woozy now that I am already thinking of breaking my fast tonight, maybe with a little bread and butter, and a nice juicy pear. Even oatmeal and bananas sound like a feast for a King!
I will let you know, Kara, what happens to me tomorrow. I'm supposed to be on vegetable broth only, then the next day will be the breaking of the fast, but I'm not really sure I can endure til then. Last year, I was sooo woozy I had to stop my fast halfway through the fourth day.
Who knows. Maybe I can make it and I will just have to stay in my room and make friends with Fria and her gear. Maybe I just need someone to keep my spirits up through text. Maybe I should just go back to sleep....
Ooohhhh, the tortures of cleansing...yet I know the outcome is worth it: an internal overhaul! :)Labels: recipes |
| posted by shing @ 8:58 AM |
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