LETTERS TO KARA

Who is Kara?
Kara is my journal of 14 years, named after the heroine of Scott O' Dell's book, the Island of the Blue Dolphins. In 1998, parts of my journal were published in my first book, Kara: Letters and Stories. Four years ago, Kara, which also means face in Filipino was published online here.The journal, like my life, is undergoing change. This is only a continuum.
Just Yesterday
Long Long Ago
Inspiration
Desperation
Kindred Spirits
Gratitude

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Text and photos by Shelley Jo Rojas Saracin, unless otherwise specified. The reader may lift poems, essays, or quotes (in part on whole) from this journal for personal use, provided that he or she give due credit to the author whenever and wherever said text may be used.
22 February 2008
Change
Dear Kara,

"The most beautiful thing in the world is change itself."

As I was walking home this evening, those were the words that were humming through my head. I was imagining how the moon rises and waxes and wanes, how weather delights us by bringing in cool breezes and warm summer days, and nights that allow you to curl up in sweaters and in the arms of loved ones.

I was imagining how, the faces of people we love change as they tell us their stories, as their emotions range from the most mundane to the most passionate. These changes, these wonderful, colorful changes are changes that we often neglect; these are the changes that make the world special, no matter how old one gets.

But then there are changes that we do not relish: people grow up and move on, relationships take on the strain of time and distance, weeds outnumber the grasses, jeans wrinkle and fade, love is slowly lost...

These too, are changes, changes that, more often than not, are wedged deep into our memory. It is these changes that seem to slow down time, to bring back time, and to even make us forget about time altogether.

I blabber about these changes because I feel that something in me has changed, irreversibly...and yet I long for one constant thing that I cannot even put my finger on.

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posted by shing @ 10:28 PM   0 comments
20 February 2008
Being a Bookworm
Dear Kara,

I'm at it again, buying books for my ehrm..."library." I promised myself I would hold out a bit before buying too many new books, but hey...aside from McDonald's french fries and chewy chocolate brownies, books are my major vice.

Last Sunday, I couldn't help but purchase a Virginia Woolf published notebook entitled Carlyl's House, one that would go with my classics collection which, up until then had only one Virginia Woolf book, To the Lighthouse. Now, that book has a companion. I have yet to read those, and get myself a copy of Mrs. Dalloway.

However, I now have a complete set of Frank McCourt's books: Pulitzer-prize winning Angela's Ashes, the sequel entiled 'Tis, and finally, the latest book on teaching and literature, Teacher Man. I read Angela's Ashes a couple of years ago, I haven't read 'Tis, althogh I sneaked it off my dad's collection, and now I have started to read Teacher Man, perhaps to assist me in my plight as a new teacher, hehehe.

This weekend, I began and finished reading Summer at Gaglow, a novel about the Fall of Berlin or something of the sort. I wasn't too impressed, but I think it was a good read. Entertaining enough, at least.

I'm quite sure somewhere along the crevices of my bookshelves lies a book I have not finished reading, as sometimes I read books three to four at a time, depending on how interesting they are. Most of the time, I re-read old books, and it gives me pleasure to learn new things from old friends. However, I am quite sad to realize that of the many, many, many books I have read and re-read in my lifetime, I have not yet finished reading the entire Bible.

I tried...

...and will try again. :)

In the meantime, I have a couple of new children's books already cleaned and labeled on my shelf, a new book on building vocabulary (one that I can and will use for my English classes), and two books with short, captivating, and sometimes even weird stories. I miss writing stories.

One day, I wish to write a novel about the very interesting lives of the Rojas clan. For now, I just read...and listen to the many stories that life offers me. :)

I love reading.

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posted by shing @ 10:05 PM   0 comments
11 February 2008
Our Own Way

Dear Kara,

Last Thurday, I spent a relaxing, happy morning with one of my closest college friends, my roomie, Mimi.

It had been years since we last saw each other, and I realized, as with all other comforts like the smell of fresh-brewed coffee, warm sudsy laundy, and baby powder, our friendship was such a comfort.

Finding each other again in the mist of tall buildings and Metro-Manila smog was just like finding each other after four days of being apart. Everything was familiar. And yet so many things have changed.

So much that we spent the whole morning trying to reconstruct for one another the events of the past four years that we have not met. Yes, we chatted once a year, or once a month through the famed YM, but all those chats could never replace actually hugging and holding the hand of someone you care so much about. Especially when major changes have occurred since you both had last talked.

I had this song in mind for some time, but I post this song now, because I believe the song is apt not only for me, but for my dear friend Mimi. (I love you, Roomie. The Lord be with you.)

Gotta Go My Own Way (High School Musical 2)

Gabriella:
I gotta say what's in my mind
Something about us
doesn't seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be ok..

I've go to move on and be who I am I just don't belong here I hope you understand We might find our place in this world someday But at least for now I gotta go my own away

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another colour turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me
you'll be ok...

 I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own away

Troy:
What about us?
What about everything we've been through?

Gabriella:
What about trust?

Troy:
you know I never wanted to hurt you

Gabriella:
and what about me?

Troy:
What am I supposed to do?

Gabriella:
I gotta leave but I'll miss you

Troy:
I'll miss you

Gabriella:
so
I've got to move on and be who I am

Troy:
Why do you have to go?

Gabriella:
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

Troy::
I'm trying to understand

Gabriella:
We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now

Troy:
I want you to stay

Gabriella:
I wanna go my own way
I've got to move on and be who I am

Troy:
What about us?

Gabriella:
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

Troy:
I'm trying to understand

Gabriella:
We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now
I gotta go my own away
I gotta go my own away
I gotta go my own away

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posted by shing @ 10:13 AM   0 comments
09 February 2008
Stilettos, Wedges, and Flip Flops

Dear Kara,

Last Friday, after our Intro to Language class, Lily and I once again found ourselves pondering life and our 2nd take at an education in the CAL canteen called Katag.

After much pondering over buco juice and caldereta, and after we had berated one of our professors so profoundly, I said to Lily:

"I think I'm getting old..."

Then I proceeded to tell her that the reason I had said that was because the day before, I donned my 2.5 inch wooden wedge sandals, and spent the day in them. I walked across greenbelt with Mimi, walked towards Ayala and commuted towards UMak in them, and then walked around Glorietta and towards Greenbelt again, in those tangerine wedges. Now my feet hurt.

Not that I hadn't walked in those wedges before. I had. I just hadn't worn them in a few months, or if I did wear them, i would take my trusty slippers with me for comfort.

When I was younger, i used to wear pumps and stiletto heels to work all day for 8 hours. My feet never hurt. I was used to them; hence, my conclusion that maybe, I was getting old.

But Lily (with my in photo insert) said that maybe we (referring to us both, because she could relate to my sandals and slippers drama) weren't really getting old...

It's not that the stilettos hurt more now, or that they hurt less before...It's just that now that we're a few years older and a few notches wiser, we prefer the comfort of slippers over stilettos. Yes, we still wear high heels or don strappy wedge sandals when the occasion calls for it, but we would rather just take them along for the costume, not wear them the whole day, as we used to.

We surmised that this increase in age, stature, and wisdom allowed us the freedom to no longer feel pressured to look good in towering heels, but to just look good even in casual slippers worn the whole day.

It feels good, this wisdom thing. I'm wearing my blue flip flops tomorrow to church once again.

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posted by shing @ 9:02 PM   1 comments
02 February 2008
My PAUSE.
"Practice the PAUSE.

When in doubt,
practice the pause.

When angry,
practice the pause.

When tired,
practice the pause.

When stressed,
practice the pause.

Breathe...
Clear the mind...
View from a different perspective.
Smile.
Laugh.
Sleep.
Dream.
Breathe.

Even your heart needs rest."


I got this from a text from Ate Ruthie a few days ago.

Today, I woke up early to wash my week's laundry, the went straight to my student for our writing class at 9am. I was glad our session today was a very relaxing one. We spent it at a park near their house, and spent the morning doing writing exercises.

I truly, truly enjoyed sitting on the fresh-cut grass. I could tell my student was uncomfortable, but under my coaching and coaxing, he later let down his guard and and we had a nice time just letting our senses enjoy the nature that surrounded us: bees buzzing overhead, the sound of a grass-cutter, the sun peeking out from overcast skies, warm park benches, and the smell of grass that felt so welcome to a nose that had been breathing city smog all week long.

I think my student enjoyed our class today too. I could tell, because as I was leaving, he enthusiastically asked if we were on same time next week. I think he is truly starting to enjoy the craft of writing. Unlike before, when I secretly thought that he looked at me with boring, glazed eyes when we were having our lessons.

After our session, I went straight "towards home" still a little sleepy, but then decided I could use some time PURELY for MYSELF. This was my time to pause. Tomorrow I will be planning lessons again, and preparing part of my 15-page paper for one of my MA classes, and then pretty soon, it will be Monday again.

So I decided, today was my pause.

I had lunch alone in the mall near our house, decided to go around and buy myself a few children's books, and went to see a funny girly movie alone. I haven't done that in quite some time. I felt good. Really good.

Lunch alone was liberating. No pressure to talk. No pressure to choose what to eat and settle on something everybody likes. No pressure to finish up or to linger for conversation. No pressure to skirt over taboo topics, or to think of interesting ones. It felt like dating myself all over again, and I had to smile as the waiters asked me if I was dining with someone. Apparently, in the Philippines, very few adult women dine alone, and smile.

In the movie theater, I laughed whenever I wanted to, and I didn't even have to pretend to like the movie, or appreciate the actors, or even make "polite" side comments just to make companions feel that we are bonding. And being enveloped by the darkness of the theater, alone, felt like going back to my mother's womb. It was relaxing. I didn't think of what I wanted to do later, or tonight, or tomorrow. The darkness was enjoyable. :)

Yep, Kara, today, that was my PAUSE.

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posted by shing @ 8:43 PM   1 comments