LETTERS TO KARA

Who is Kara?
Kara is my journal of 14 years, named after the heroine of Scott O' Dell's book, the Island of the Blue Dolphins. In 1998, parts of my journal were published in my first book, Kara: Letters and Stories. Four years ago, Kara, which also means face in Filipino was published online here.The journal, like my life, is undergoing change. This is only a continuum.
Just Yesterday
Long Long Ago
Inspiration
Desperation
Kindred Spirits
Gratitude

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Text and photos by Shelley Jo Rojas Saracin, unless otherwise specified. The reader may lift poems, essays, or quotes (in part on whole) from this journal for personal use, provided that he or she give due credit to the author whenever and wherever said text may be used.
31 December 2008
2008 in Retrospect
Dear Kara,

I have been avoiding doing an entry in retrospect. Maybe because I truly want to just look forward to the New Year (2009), and partly because I initially felt that there was not much to ponder upon in the year that has passed.


However, like most blessings, you can not imagine their magnitude until you sit down and list them, one by minute one, and mull over them and how each tiny little thing has added up to make one big year.

2008 has been a breakthrough year for our family. I remember that was this year that we all looked forward to, because Deejay would finally be able to graduate, and graduate he did!


What joy that brough to Daddy, who had been waiting for so long to have his firstborn son finally hold a well-paying, definitely-adult-making job.
And yes, Deejay finally did get a real job, not just his temp stint at a call-center. He initially wanted to spend his first five months after graduation as a bum, but upon wise advise of his older sister (read: me) Dad, and a myriad other mentors, he got a good job. Ever since he started, we have been enjoying a loadful more of blessings from this, our brother-turned-breadwinner-turned-channel-of-blessing.




Danny Boy, on the other hand, has surmounted a year full of exams. not the regular university-type exams, mind you, but the type that, because of the nature of his course (International Nursing Program of Alderson Broaddus), could either make or break his nursing studies.
 


I remember constantly praying for him to be able to remember all that he had studied. And when I say constatly, I mean that in a week, he would have to survive at least two exams. Pass or fail. Ad if he failed, he would have to drop the course entirely, and wait for another year before he could re-enroll again.




Danny Boy was well into the pursuit of passing his exams, so much so, that although there was aa time when he was lowest of his class of around 20, after much studying (he would usually be my companion during my nights of writing papers for MA class), he made it to the top three. Cheers for my little bro!




For Dad, well, he got back into teaching, something he loves so much, and yet, he also hates all the paper and administrative work. It is good to see him do something that I had always imagined him doing again, because I know full well how good a teacher my dad is. Every conversation with him becomes a lesson of some sort, and he has so much to share with his business students. We are just glad the Lord has laid down the foundation, and dad simply had to start the building again.


 


I suppose Mom's greatest breakthrough in 2008 is the survival of her small business...and learning so much about the Internet. For someone who was born in the year of vinyl records, nutri-bum, and Royco Noodle Soup, and has lived all her life not working in a corporation or an office, these two are magnanimous feats. Her accessory business has been around and flourishing for more than two years now, at the Legaspi Sunday Market, and she has continued to supply an avid customer base. Praise God for so much creativity!


 


She has leaned so much in handling the Internet too, that the site you have probably clicked by now was edited and spiffed up entirely by her. No help from us kids, whatsoever. :) Congratulate her if you must!




As for me, I have learned, that I am able to do many things so well, and that in every circumstance, the Lord provides enough strength to help me go on, no matter how tired I seem to be.




It is in 2008 that I experienced juggling two teaching jobs and a taxing MA class, aside from handling writing assignments, editing jobs and speaking engagements left and right. 2008 has helped me look at my capabilities more clearly, and they have helped me look at just how well (or how bad) I can perform when I magna-task (ahahaha, new word, more than multi-tasking!)




In 2008, I have also been able to really, really bless more people financially, beginning with my family, extending to my immediate church, and later, to other ministries. This is another year wherein the Lord has truly proved Malachi 3:10. I have tested Him, and He has brought me more than I could imagine.




2008 is the year when I stretched myself to the limit...and I learned just how much flexibility I have as a person: as a teacher, as a student, as a church worker, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a friend.




In totality, my dad would probably sum up my life in 2008 this way: You got everything you wanted, and except for one thing, you really could be happy.




And truly, I am. I am thankful, and I am happy. The Lord has been wonderful. And today, the last day of the year,  
I challenge Him to work mightily, miraculously, and wonderfully in the year ahead.

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posted by shing @ 3:05 PM   2 comments
29 December 2008
No Regrets
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain
 
I never expected my holidays to be this way: sad and weepy, and yet revealing, truthful, and eventually, healing and hopeful.
 
I have thoroughly been thankful for the support and presence of my family during this time, and after five days, I feel that I am better. My appetite has returned, I have gone for a new haircut and pedicure, written things, gone to church and come out hopeful, and basically, I feel that I am on the road to complete recovery. The coming New Year will be bright and shiny.
 
However, there are quiet, sometimes lonesome moments when I tend to over-analyze things, to think back, to try and reverse things at least in my mind. The what ifs, the what could've beens begin to assault me, and  I am at a loss on what to say.
 
But once again, a wise predecessor, another great writer with his immortal words, saves me:
 
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain

There is absolutely nothing, NOTHING to regret.
 
 
 

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posted by shing @ 10:00 PM   0 comments
27 December 2008
The Cure at the End of the Scalpel
Dear Kara,

Sigh is right. Writing in any form has always saved me. It has been both my escape and my growth, the only thing I can run to besides my family and close friends.

And once again, writing consoles and comforts. The lyrics of this song, rather oddly sung by Pussycat Girls (odd because I didn't think they would write such EMO songs) and the message Nikki sent me today add up to explanations of why closure is needed, of why, surgeries for cancer, malignant growths, and gangrene are vital.

It also explains why families and patients alike dread the thought, even the mention of surgery. Surgery means the opening of one's body, becoming vulnerable to germs, becoming wounded willingly, being open, agreeing to, even signing a waiver, that yes, if something is amiss, it will be cut off, be amputated, be removed from your system, your body.

During the operation, there is the risk of extreme blood loss, unbearable pain, and, in some cases, even death. Yes, the decision to undergo surgery must be done with a strong heart, and with a composed mind. Surgery can be a one way street that those of the faint of heart never walk through again.

All surgeons and all surgeries never promise a complete recovery, I suppose. In fact, it is the recovery stage that is most vital. The patient, having gone under the surgeon's scalpel, must be strong because surgeries are extreme stressors of the body. Something within you has been removed. Something that has grown in you, something that, although now-harmful, has been part of your system for a significant period of time. Your body knows this, and so does your spirit. It needs time to adjust, to recuperate, to say to its various sytems that, "Yes, we will be okay in spite of the loss."

Surgeries test the patients' endurance, the patients' immune system, the patients' strengths, the patient's capability to heal the body after removal of malignant or otherwise poisonous elements from the body. After a surgery, the patient may seem composed, wounds may have been sewed closed, but the wounds are still healing, and the patient needs much recovery time.

Yes,"Truth, like surgery, may hurt, but it cures." (Han Suyin)

And the "cure" part is the reason why we patients risk the scalpel and the knife in the first place.

Yes, all of us who undergo either truth or surgery always hope for the cure at the end of the scalpel.

"I Hate This Part"

We're driving slow through the snow
On fifth avenue
And right now radio is
All that we can hear

Man we ain't talked since we left
It's so overdue
It's cold outside
But between us
It's worse in here

The world slows down but my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part where the end starts

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't want to try now
All that's left is goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me

The world slows down but my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part where the end starts
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't want to try now
All that's left is goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing is wrong
But there is no more time for lies
Cause I see sun set in your eyes

I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't want to try now
All that's left is goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you

But I gotta do this
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part

I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take these tears
I hate this part right here

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posted by shing @ 9:21 PM   0 comments
25 December 2008
My Prayer
Dear Kara,

My family has always saved me.

They saved me last night, they saved me today, and I expect there will be many other moments when each of them will save me in my lifetime. I suppose they are able to save me, because, in the core of things, each of us have been saved already, each of us believe that there is an Almighty Father, a God, our Saviour, who controls all things, who loves each and everyone of us, and who will pull through forevermore.

There have been moments when I myself have participated in saving one of us. I am both thankful and confident that I know I can always, always rely on them.

And here lies my prayer:

Oh, to have a love that lasts a lifetime, Father
To know the joy of complete commitment
That means freedom instead of shackles
To not work to be loved, and yet to choose to work for the beloved
To know that we need not question, because we have both found the answers
In each other.
To know will full abandon, that this is Your gift.
Amen.


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posted by shing @ 8:09 PM   0 comments
24 December 2008
Christmas Eve
Dear Kara,

It will be Christmas Eve tonight, here in the Philippines. In most, if not all Filipino households, rich or poor, mothers, daughters, grandmothers, and aunts will be busy for most of their waking day preparing for tonight's most-awaited Noche Buena.

It is no different in our home. Every year, my mom and I plan Christmas dinner meals for the five of us, meals that the family will enjoy, and that will remind us of all the blessings we have received in the years that has passed. This Christmas Eve Noche Buena is the Filipino family's version of thanksgiving. It is our version of reunions, of celebrations, of joy.

Mom and I have been planning our menus on and off for the past two weeks. After much decision-making, she finally settled on authentic Spanish paella (a feat for her, really), her very creamy fruit-salad (this year with a twist: I requested for more buco than any other fruit), and ham made with her special sauce.

I, on the other hand, volunteered to make any my famous experimental pasta sauces. This year, I'm going to work with some malunggay (morinda) pesto mixed with some shrimp and olives, sauteed in garlic sauce. I'm excited! I just love experimenting with pasta. I have also prepared Deejay's favorite Oreo Cream pie, although this one, I did not make from scratch. Still, I know he is dying to taste it since I have pre-made it and it has been sitting in the ref since yesterday.

Another new thing I'm making this year is my basil-citrus gimlet, a vodka-based sweet cocktail. I tried mixing some last night, using Deejay's new cocktail shaker from Hope, and it seemed to have much potential as a new family-favorite drink. Two years ago, I made sweet Rompopo (Honduran Christmas drink made of milk and rum) and that too was a sweet hit.

So, we'll see how the Christmas festivities work out for this now-small family of five. We all look forward to opening out various gifts under the tree, of course, plus finding out which among the five of us is our Kris Kringle (we just did this thing this year, hahahaha), and eating some lechon which dad brought home last night straight from Surigao Sur.

I am very thankful, as I know the rest of my family is. Maybe next year, we'll be sharing our annual family Christmas dinner with more than just the five of us...maybe.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

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posted by shing @ 9:57 AM   0 comments